Anger at parents

I haven’t spoken about Blue in awhile.  As a recap, Blue has 3 kids – 1, 4, and 9 – and they are placed in different places, the 4 year-old with his alleged father and the other two in different foster homes.  The kids came into care for general, medical, and educational neglect and the more time we have spent with her, the more we have learned about various cons and aliases she has gathered.  She is fascinating and has some significant mental health issues (I can’t wait to read a psych eval, but I am pretty sure she has a personality disorder, most likely Borderline, among other issues).

So what has been going on lately?  We had a home visit last week and she subsequently missed a visit with the 4 year old.  So this week, she missed her visit with the 4 year old again and he was upset again.  I got an email just afterwards from Blue saying that she was confused by the time and tried calling but neither I or the other worker was in the office (she didn’t leave a message, but did speak up with the back up worker of the day).  And she asked if she could see him again this week because she missed and loved him and requested that he also be brought to the group visit with his siblings (which is at least an hour drive each way).

So the other worker did think it was important that the 4 year old go to the visit and so she drove him down yesterday.  And she DID NOT SHOW!  This is an extremely frustrating situation for a number of reasons.  One, it is really hurtful for the 4 year old.  Two, the worker’s time is extremely valuable and it was essentially wasted by this mother no showing (although the boys did get to spend time together).  Finally, it is really difficult to believe much of anything that she says when she claims to want to see them and love them and within an hour and then within 24 hours just not show up.

And being in touch with my feelings about this I realized that I am really angry at Blue for all of this.  I don’t like being lied to.  I don’t like being taken advantage of.  I don’t like to see kids hurt.  So I have to be very careful with my feelings.  Yesterday the way I handled it was not responding.  I received the email and knew that it would not be good to respond to the email.  I just forwarded it on to the other worker and waited until I could talk to her.  But it is tough – I don’t get angry very often, almost never – but I need to make sure that my feelings stay in check because I am the professional.

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3 Responses to Anger at parents

  1. Maggie says:

    As an adoptive parent of a child who went through similar things, I’m glad to hear you get a bit angry. While, of course, you have to be professional and you can’t allow anger to cloud your judgment, a little bit of controlled and reasonable anger isn’t a bad thing in this case. Blue needs to know that she is not doing the right things for her children.

    My son hasn’t seen his birth parents in over 5 years. He’s still hurt that his b-mom missed his 7th birthday. He’s still hurt that she got a dog and promised him that it would be his when he moved home. He never moved home again and he never got to meet that dog. Kids don’t forget these slights. Even years later, those wounds still bleed a bit.

    The kids deserve someone getting a bit angry on their behalf.

  2. Reas says:

    Yup. Par for the course in child welfare, I must say. I’m sure the mom didn’t lie to you out right–I’ve no doubt when she called she had plans of showing. And then something else occurred and it just didn’t happen. Frustrating for all involved. And there is nothing wrong with feeling angry about that. I would be concerned if you didn’t.

  3. […] tomorrow is a big meeting with Blue.  She has had some of her visits canceled because she has had too many no shows.  So we have brought in the hired gun – our supervisor – and I think she is going to get a strong […]

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